I won't bore you with the details of my past; I will sum it up as quickly as possible.  I am in my 4th and final marriage to a man I love and respect dearly.  He tries so hard to help me, with no success.  It is about to end our marriage.  

All my life I have been criticized made fun of, or cheated on for one reason or another.  Because of this, I have neither self-esteem nor, any self-confidence.  I start things but never finish them.  I hate the way I look, and can not stand for my husband to look at another woman whom I think is pretty, be it on TV or in person.  That is so ridiculous, I know.  I just do not know how to stop it. 

He (my husband) says "Quit thinking about the past, just put it behind you and get over it".  Well, I try, but when I see him look at other women in the wrong way, it brings it all back again. 

Is there any hope for me?  This has affected my daughters and how they think of themselves also.  I see them headed for all the same heartache.  I hate myself for hurting my family.  Can you give me any advice?            Anonymous

Dear Friend...

First, I want to say to you that my heart simply aches for you. I can feel the pain in your writing and I know what courage it took for you to send this email out into cyberspace in hopes that you would find the words, support and assurance that this too shall pass.  Well, believe me when I tell you that This Is YOUR DAY! 

I have to be honest with you and tell you that reading your letter has really made me think deeply on how I can truly help you. I know exactly what you need to hear. BUT I am not sure how ready you are to receive it. I went round and round with this because what I NEED to share with you is so very ‘deep’. I feel that if I water down the message, you really will not get the benefit of what God has placed in my heart to reveal to you.  On the other hand, if I give it all to you, you may shut down and not be able to receive any of it.  Decisions, decisions…what do I do?  Well, I am going to take a chance and allow you to decide how much you are ready and willing to absorb.

What I have to share with you may seem a bit different than any advice you have been given thus far.  I am not going to tell you to DO anything because right now you need to be able to SEE what is really going on.  There is a message in all of this that is specifically for you. It is time that you learn to SEE your life through your Spiritual Eyes.  I am sure you are wondering, "What does that mean and how do I do that?" 

What I am going to suggest to you is that you Change your Focus. You are focused on your 'perceived' inadequacies, your endangered marriage, and your belief that you have failed your daughters. All of these THOUGHTS are keeping  you from SEEING what is MOST important for you right now. I know what you're thinking. You think I'm going to tell you to think positive and you are not all bad. WRONG!  Telling you that is like putting a bandaid on a gushing wound.  What you need is the The Cold HONEST TRUTH! It won't hurt, trust me.  This is gonna feel GOOOD!

   Are you ready to go deeper?  Then, let me just state the obvious…

Somehow, somewhere, something convinced you that you were the one who is ugly, unworthy of a faithful loving relationship, and unable to complete the things you start. I'm sure that you could add to this list if you really tried.

It was suggested to you that you were not as attractive, appealing or desirable as other women and YOU BOUGHT IT!  You bought ALL OF IT!  You believed in your unworthiness so strongly that it permeated your previous love relationships, and consequently you are teaching people to treat you as though you are not worthy.  And your beliefs are ultimately teaching your children to feel unworthy as well. How am I doing so far?

So, with that same strength of conviction that you were willing to believe the worst about yourself, I am suggesting that you believe the TRUTH about you.

THE TRUTH IS that you are in the midst of an extraordinarily strong Spiritual conflict.  God needs you to Get The Message that you would not be in the midst of this battle if:

#1 - Your assignment was not immeasurably important to God

#2 - Your life and purpose was not going to impact lots of people

#3 - Your courage to be the victor and not the victim would prove to be an incredible example for others.

The adversary knows how important you are to God, and how vital your assignment is to the rest of us. Consequently, you have been under attack for a large part of your life.  As long as you stay focused on who you think you are not, you can never step into who God created you to be. I am sharing this wisdom from experience. I, too, was where you are.  My circumstances were slightly different but the reality of the conflict was the same. 

You have to GET IT! This is not about your self-esteem or self-worth, it is not about the way you look, and it is not about your love relationships.  It is ALL ABOUT your assignment.  And part of MY assignment is to share this fact with you. 

It is time for you to get focused on your purpose.  You look the way you do, speak the way you speak, walk the way you walk and smell the way you smell (etc) for a deliberately distinct reason.  God carefully and purposefully orchestrated you as a complete package.  You have everything He needs you to have in order to complete your assignment. 

So, begin to take inventory of your assets.  You mentioned that you never finish the things you start.  Me either!  At least it doesn’t look like it to others.  I used to beat myself up about it until God showed me that it was an asset rather than a liability. It may look like I am ‘all over the place’ but in reality, that is the way that I create.  And, creating this way allows me to dream bigger, to create faster, and to build much more than if I were limiting myself by doing it how everyone else does it.  Now that I have surrendered to it, I realize that it truly is a gift and it is too bad that others cannot create the way that you and I do. There is more than one way, and you and I do it differently.

So, there is so much more to you than you realize.  You are stronger than you think. You are more beautiful than you give yourself credit for. You are immeasurably valuable. You are extremely courageous.  It is time that you step out of the MATRIX called sadness, depression, and low self-esteem.  And realize that YOU ARE THE ONE. 

Wrapping It Up - What is the MESSAGE?

Ok, we know that you are a Spirit, you possess a soul and you live in a physical body. We know that you have an assignment/purpose given to you by God that is communicated to you via your Spirit. You are fully equipped to carry it out.  We know that the adversary has every intention to keep you stuck in your emotions (SOUL - thinker, feeler, chooser) in hopes that you stay focused on your pain, ignore your Spirit, disregard your assignment and close your eyes to God. 

When you look at your situation with Spiritual Eyes you can see that you, my friend, are so critically important to God that the adversary will not let up on you.  But now that you get it…you have the ability to make a different choice. It takes people like you and me to ignore your soul (emotions), focus on your Spirit, step into your assignment and fulfill the Will of God for your life. 

What will manifest from this?

Well, once you get it, I mean really get how vitally important you are, you will change the way you love yourself. You will not even notice other women based on their beauty, but you will only see them through the eyes of your assignment. And it will not matter if you catch your husband appreciating the beauty in another woman because you know that he would be a fool to lose you.  You will feel more beautiful than you have ever felt in your life and consequently, your daughters will learn that who they are is already more than enough. Your marriage will get unbelievably juicy and you will feel so secure, so completely at peace and in total control of your emotions.  You will be surrendered to the Spirit of God. 

If you must DO something...Do this

I am a strong proponent of Being instead of Doing. That means instead of immediately thinking of what you can DO to remedy your situation, you learn how to BE with your situation.  What does that look like?  Well, I could give you a long list of activities that will keep you busy working on yourself but the truth is that the work on you is ALREADY DONE! THE ONLY THING LEFT FOR YOU TO DO is CHANGE YOUR BELIEFS!  What is left is you showing up differently when situations present themselves. Remember, you have complete control over both your emotions and your thoughts. You really do.  You make a choice to feel defeated, in the same way that you can make the choice to feel victorious.